We've continued to be plagued by car trouble. Greg is adding about a half a bottle of coolant at each new destination we make it to. It doesn't seem to be getting worse, but it's definitely not fixed after dropping $1,500 at the shop in Vegas. He is constantly crawling under the car, looking under the hood, and talking about how stressed out he is over the sweet smell each time we get out of the car. Every time he gets back in, he says something along the lines of, "maybe this is a sign we shouldn't be on this trip."
We were driving into New Mexico when Greg started talking about just selling the car and buying a new one which made me laugh. We sacrificed for months to squirrel money away to get this car paid off. It was such a weight off our shoulders when we made the final balloon payment and owned it free and clear. It's the nicest car we had ever jointly owned, and with so low miles, it was practically like new. Having such a heavy frame, it can tow our camper comfortably, and with the rare diesel engine, we anticipate driving it for hundreds of thousands of miles before we have to look at getting something different. I feel safe driving it and never worry about taking my kids on a trip.
This is a big deal because we had a lot of instability when I was growing up. Sometimes we had a running car, most of the time we didn't. We took the bus often, and not always by choice. I remember having to roll the windows down because we never had air conditioning, the windshield wipers failing in the middle of a rainstorm, tires blowing because the tread was always on it's last leg, and having to carry towels to defrost the inside of the window because it was a flip of the quarter on whether the heater was going to work or not. And that's not even the worst of it. We broke down on the side of the road more times than I can remember. I've ridden in truckers cabs, the back of pickup trucks, and sitting on someone's lap because there were too many people in the car that picked us up in our time of crisis.
But during all of that, my mom was always smiling, and grateful for the help. It was very rare to see her upset about our situation. I never heard her question God, or ask if she was being tested. She would usually mumble something about the fact she thought that might happen and that our next car would be better. And there was always a next car. Usually around tax time. She would buy the best her money could afford, but it was never good enough. It always had problems. And then she didn't have enough money to fix it. But she couldn't get a cheaper one and save money for the repairs, because there was just never enough money to go around. And honestly... how good can a $500 car be? And how far can $100 repair budget get you? It was an endless cycle.
If I was a child and my mom was the owner of our current car she would feel so blessed to be dealing with this coolant leak. To have everything else working and to only have to add coolant every 500 miles would be the best car she ever owned. If I sit here quietly, I can hear her words in my head and see the smile on her face as she listens to Mariah Carey way too loud on the awesome speakers we rarely appreciate. So when my husband is feeling tested, I am torn between two worlds. One of extreme poverty where I am so incredibly thankful to be in a safe running vehicle, and our current safe environment where this is a minor inconvenience but with a little money we can get it fixed properly and be on our way.
Having such extremes in experience can feel very Jekyll and Hyde. When a new situation arises, do you lean on your poverty mindset, feel grateful for what you have, and ignore the minor problems? Or do you lean on your more recent experience of financial stability to address it? Obviously if you have the means, you would do the second. But actions are only one part of the puzzle. What is your mindset? What is your perspective on that situation? The action of getting the car fixed is separate from your ability to persevere in difficult situations.
Here are two likely reactions:
How lucky are we that we can just keep adding coolant and nothing else is wrong?
This might be a sign that other things are going to go wrong too.
Most of us probably think both of those things. But the one we choose to focus on tells us a lot about how safe we feel in that moment. I am so lucky to have my husband's influence in my life. We've been together for just over fifteen years now and he has always represented stability for me. So as he's obsessing over the car and how to get it repaired, I'm able to sit comfortably in the first reaction. How lucky are we that we can just keep adding coolant and nothing else is wrong? Because I know it's going to be okay and we're going to survive the financial hardship of having something break with our car. And after fifteen years of being a constant in his life, he has the first reaction too. Because even though he has to find a shop to do the repair, his family is safe and happy and we're going to be just fine.
Perspective to me is feeling all your years of experience at once. The good, the bad, and the ugly situations you have been in over your lifetime. Those moments can be scary because all your fears come bubbling to the surface. They might be your seven year old fears of hitchhiking, or they might be your eighteen year old fears of having to get your car towed. I often see the phrase "Don't let your past define you." in memes and it always makes me giggle. Your past is ABSOLUTELY what defines you. Use those experiences. Feel thankful that you endured them.
As I'm writing this, my poor husband is dropping off the car to a shop in Albuquerque, New Mexico to have it diagnosed and repaired a second time. Wish us luck not only with the repair but also to maintain a positive attitude in this time of frustration and fear over our only mode of transportation for this trip.
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